Hating every second of this

So I haven't produced much of anything lately. I hate it. But I also (funny enough) can't stress over it either... otherwise I will 100% not be able to produce anything. I have really horrible stress induced vertigo.. but the kind that the doctors have less of a clue what to do with it than normal. Normally one just feels that the world is spinning. Lucky me! I feel that the world spins one way, I spin the opposite and I black in and out from time to time without passing out. Yay me! Oddly enough sitting is the worst too... Go figure. I've been trying different methods of trying to stop it since Friday night but nothing has really helped it. Breathing, yoga, meditation, antihistimines, decongestants, etc. Nothing really works for too long. It was all brought on by the worst week ever which explains why my stress levels are soooo high.
Basically I wont know until tomorrow morning for sure but, I probably have to take a year or two off of school. Which sure, not that big of a problem right? Only it messes up pretty much my whole entire future, is forcing me to rethink everything and my whole general life plan (which if you've ever heard it... isn't really a plan as much as an outline). My parents really could care less and were more meh than usual. I have friends turning to me about a million and one things that I can't do anything about which does nothing to help my mild savior complex. I have to get at least 1 if not 2 more jobs over the summer and that is just if I'm lucky and can stay on track. Otherwise I have to try and own my own Chipotle or some ridiculous thing like that. (Its not really ridiculous, but it's just a really new concept to me and something I never even dreamed I'd be contemplating let alone actually doing) I missed a bunch of deadlines last week for things I really couldn't afford to miss and there are a handful of other underlying things that don't need to be blogged about.

All in all, I hate every second of living since Friday night (minus a choice few minutes where I vented and was consoled by a good friend). It hasn't been until earlier tonight that I could be upright for more than a few hours without getting sick or wanting to die. I canceled a bunch of things that I really wanted/needed to do and I didn't go to class today. I'm so not the kind of person who just skips days for no reason. I seriously slept *all but 8 hours* in the past 2 days. This week shouldn't be too bad academically meaning I can (re)dedicate my life to dig eth (as long as I can stand). But I'll just have to see what tomorrow brings (aka- Lafene and Financial Aid meetings) and see how long I can function like a person tomorrow

Life clips: Take 1

Here are some clips from my life that I'm going to use in a later video. Unfortunately since I just started my new job I couldn't call in to work on the video so I put these clips together so I have them ready for Tuesday morning when the real video will get done. Feel free to steal/borrow/use anything you'd like.

My story

I've been meaning to post this for some time now, so here it is finally!

This was so much harder to make than I thought it would be. I mean, how hard does just talking to a camera sound? Not very considering I talk non-stop anyway (recall super power= energy!) But for some reason as I stared into that lens I realized that it was waiting eagerly for me to bear my soul. Now this probably sounds a little hokey, but that's how it felt. In that split second of the first take I realized that as these words are spoken they are going to transform in ways I can't predict. Now telling a story is one thing. You are the creator, you have the control over where the story goes and you can make changes each time you retell it if you'd like, the power is yours. But recording that story is completely different. The story now has it's own life. You also no longer have control of who can own your story now, you've passed on the power of creation to any one who is willing to listen to that story. They will now take it and run with it, you have no chance for clarification, or making sure they understood it in the way that you wish them to. It's... scary. I am a very open person, I share my life with people without hesitation (I'm sure to the annoyance of others at times). So it really struck me to realize that I was completely and utterly vulnerable at that instance and vulnerable in a way that I'm not used to. I make deep connections regularly, I keep very few things from people, I stand up in front of classes and share my soul with my students, I have no secrets- just things that I haven't found the right context to share them with you yet. But this camera took all of that to a whole new level. I wanted my story to be right. Not perfect, but right. I want it to be important to who ever will hear it, I want it to inspire those who were where I was, remind those who have transformed as I have, and invite new questions in all. This one story sums me up as a person really well (which let me tell you, if you haven't tried to describe yourself in a 5 minute story before... it's incredibly difficult to do!). I think that that's the biggest concern I had while talking to the camera- that I was putting myself out there in a way I don't normally. It's a one-sided conversation where you can't ask me to clarify, and I can't defend myself against the criticisms. I'm really proud of this video and I think it turned out really well... but it's weird to think about the fact that I will never know how a good 90% of the people who will see it will feel about it.