Digital Landfill

Do you ever think about how much digital waste there is? I don't mean like electronics, or anything physical. I mean, all of those online diaries, websites you signed up to and used for a week. All the dead blogs, the google docs, the poorly constructed websites long forgotten by the inventions of tomorrow. How many times have you been thinking about all of the times you used to use websites you can no longer remember the names of? Let alone the passwords to access them if you even remembered. It kind of blows my mind how much is out there and yet just sitting in the digital landfill never to be found again.

Books I want to read/have been told I want to read

This is a general list of books that have been suggested/sound interesting. Add your suggestions. Or better yet, lemme know if you have any of these I could borrow :)

The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini
Bridget Jones's Diary, by Helen Fielding
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, by Rebecca Wells
Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe, by Fannie Flagg
The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingsolver
The Time Traveler's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger
The Joy Luck Club, by Amy Tan
The Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger
Gone with the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell
Bel Canto, by Ann Patchett
Middlesex, by Jeffrey Eugenides
Water for Elephants, by Sara Gruen
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, by Mark Twain
The Bean Trees, by Barbara Kingsolver
The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, by Alexander McCall Smith
The World According to Garp, by John Irving
Catch-22, by Joseph Heller
The Prince of Tides, by Pat Conroy
Like Water for Chocolate, by Laura Esquivel
The Princess Bride, by William Goldman
The Accidental Tourist, by Anne Tyler
A Confederacy of Dunces, by John Kennedy Toole
East of Eden, by John Steinbeck
The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant
Beach Music, by Pat Conroy
One Hundred Years of Solitude, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Rebecca, by Daphne Du Maurier
Ender's Game, by Orson Scott Card
Lonesome Dove, by Larry McMurtry
The Thorn Birds, by Colleen McCullough
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, by Michael Chabon
Pillars of the Earth, by Ken Follett
Anna Karenina, by Leo Tolstoy
Interview with the Vampire, by Anne Rice
Cold Mountain, by Charles Frazier
Empire Falls, by Richard Russo
Under the Tuscan Sun, by Frances Mayes
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, by Tom Robbins
I Know This Much Is True, by Wally Lamb
Murder on the Orient Express, by Agatha Christie
Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott
The Stand, by Stephen King
She's Come Undone, by Wally Lamb
Dune, by Frank Herbert
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows
Love in the Time of Cholera, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov
The Godfather, by Mario Puzo
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, by Betty Smith
Animal Dreams, by Barbara Kingsolver
Jaws, by Peter Benchley
Good in Bed, by Jennifer Weiner
Angle of Repose, by Wallace Stegner
Snow Falling on Cedars, by David Guterson
The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway
Breakfast of Champions, by Kurt Vonnegut
Cat's Cradle, by Kurt Vonnegut
The Big Sleep, by Raymond Chandler
The Sun Also Rises, by Ernest Hemingway
The Hunt for Red October, by Tom Clancy
Cold Sassy Tree, by Olive Ann Burns
The Lord of the Flies, by William Golding
Bonfire of the Vanities, by Tom Wolfe [tie]
Outlander, by Diana Gabaldon
The Shell Seekers, by Rosamunde Pilcher
Prodigal Summer, by Barbara Kingsolver
Eye of the Needle, by Ken Follett
Cannery Row, by John Steinbeck
The Pilot's Wife, by Anita Shreve [tie]
All the Pretty Horses, by Cormac McCarthy
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, by Stieg Larsson
The Little Prince, by Antoine De Saint-Exupery
The Road, by Cormac McCarthy
One for the Money, by Janet Evanovich
Shogun, by James Clavell
Dracula, by Bram Stoker
The Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Milan Kundera
Presumed Innocent, by Scott Turow
Franny and Zooey, by J.D. Salinger
The Secret History, by Donna Tartt
Dead Until Dark, by Charlaine Harris
Summer Sisters, by Judy Blume
The Shining, by Stephen King
How Stella Got Her Groove Back, by Terry McMillan
Lamb, by Christopher Moore
Sick Puppy, by Carl Hiaasen
Treasure Island, by Robert Louis Stevenson

Hating every second of this

So I haven't produced much of anything lately. I hate it. But I also (funny enough) can't stress over it either... otherwise I will 100% not be able to produce anything. I have really horrible stress induced vertigo.. but the kind that the doctors have less of a clue what to do with it than normal. Normally one just feels that the world is spinning. Lucky me! I feel that the world spins one way, I spin the opposite and I black in and out from time to time without passing out. Yay me! Oddly enough sitting is the worst too... Go figure. I've been trying different methods of trying to stop it since Friday night but nothing has really helped it. Breathing, yoga, meditation, antihistimines, decongestants, etc. Nothing really works for too long. It was all brought on by the worst week ever which explains why my stress levels are soooo high.
Basically I wont know until tomorrow morning for sure but, I probably have to take a year or two off of school. Which sure, not that big of a problem right? Only it messes up pretty much my whole entire future, is forcing me to rethink everything and my whole general life plan (which if you've ever heard it... isn't really a plan as much as an outline). My parents really could care less and were more meh than usual. I have friends turning to me about a million and one things that I can't do anything about which does nothing to help my mild savior complex. I have to get at least 1 if not 2 more jobs over the summer and that is just if I'm lucky and can stay on track. Otherwise I have to try and own my own Chipotle or some ridiculous thing like that. (Its not really ridiculous, but it's just a really new concept to me and something I never even dreamed I'd be contemplating let alone actually doing) I missed a bunch of deadlines last week for things I really couldn't afford to miss and there are a handful of other underlying things that don't need to be blogged about.

All in all, I hate every second of living since Friday night (minus a choice few minutes where I vented and was consoled by a good friend). It hasn't been until earlier tonight that I could be upright for more than a few hours without getting sick or wanting to die. I canceled a bunch of things that I really wanted/needed to do and I didn't go to class today. I'm so not the kind of person who just skips days for no reason. I seriously slept *all but 8 hours* in the past 2 days. This week shouldn't be too bad academically meaning I can (re)dedicate my life to dig eth (as long as I can stand). But I'll just have to see what tomorrow brings (aka- Lafene and Financial Aid meetings) and see how long I can function like a person tomorrow

Life clips: Take 1

Here are some clips from my life that I'm going to use in a later video. Unfortunately since I just started my new job I couldn't call in to work on the video so I put these clips together so I have them ready for Tuesday morning when the real video will get done. Feel free to steal/borrow/use anything you'd like.

My story

I've been meaning to post this for some time now, so here it is finally!

This was so much harder to make than I thought it would be. I mean, how hard does just talking to a camera sound? Not very considering I talk non-stop anyway (recall super power= energy!) But for some reason as I stared into that lens I realized that it was waiting eagerly for me to bear my soul. Now this probably sounds a little hokey, but that's how it felt. In that split second of the first take I realized that as these words are spoken they are going to transform in ways I can't predict. Now telling a story is one thing. You are the creator, you have the control over where the story goes and you can make changes each time you retell it if you'd like, the power is yours. But recording that story is completely different. The story now has it's own life. You also no longer have control of who can own your story now, you've passed on the power of creation to any one who is willing to listen to that story. They will now take it and run with it, you have no chance for clarification, or making sure they understood it in the way that you wish them to. It's... scary. I am a very open person, I share my life with people without hesitation (I'm sure to the annoyance of others at times). So it really struck me to realize that I was completely and utterly vulnerable at that instance and vulnerable in a way that I'm not used to. I make deep connections regularly, I keep very few things from people, I stand up in front of classes and share my soul with my students, I have no secrets- just things that I haven't found the right context to share them with you yet. But this camera took all of that to a whole new level. I wanted my story to be right. Not perfect, but right. I want it to be important to who ever will hear it, I want it to inspire those who were where I was, remind those who have transformed as I have, and invite new questions in all. This one story sums me up as a person really well (which let me tell you, if you haven't tried to describe yourself in a 5 minute story before... it's incredibly difficult to do!). I think that that's the biggest concern I had while talking to the camera- that I was putting myself out there in a way I don't normally. It's a one-sided conversation where you can't ask me to clarify, and I can't defend myself against the criticisms. I'm really proud of this video and I think it turned out really well... but it's weird to think about the fact that I will never know how a good 90% of the people who will see it will feel about it.

Brainstorms

Research time!

So, this isn't to say that I haven't been researching... this is more of a - hey you have 5 weeks to get your stuff done show me what you're working with, thing.


So 5 weeks sounds like both an insane amount of time... and absolutely no time at all!
I have a bunch of reading to get done, interviews with people to set up, record and transcribe. Basically I would love to say

Week 1: Reading- Women's Ways of Knowing, Mediated, articles by Turner and van Gennep
Week 2: Interviews- general stories, polls, clip into sound bits, etc.
Week 3: research media construction of college life/real world/adult world, etc. and it's affects
Week 4: Delve into the personal story, be it mine or a better one I've come across. Get the focus of the piece and begin to brainstorm the story from there.
Week 5: More reading based on what I've come across, synthesizing, finalizing, etc.

But in reality I know that not only am I not really a scheduled person, but interviews are messy and organic and will not all happen in one week or at one time. Researching and finding that *perfect* article might not happen till week 4 and then everything changes from there. As of right now I have a general idea, a theme, a single story (mine) which has sparked my interest... but going from there I need help. Not only help from the people who are before and after me in the documentary, but from my students, my peers, my mentors, and most of all my friends.

I need to talk things out... which also makes me feel like I need a tape recorder out constantly to document the epicness that happens when me and my friends get together.. but I'm a brainstormer. I'm an idea person. I love making connections, but sometimes I miss the obvious.

Overall my story is about transformation. That AHA moment that one reaches. In America we generally act as if that AHA moment will happen to everyone and that's when you grow up. That's like your own right of passage. That's when you become an adult... but that's such a ridiculous notion. I know mine wasn't until I had one of my favorite professors tell me I was aimless, a disappointment for letting my immense potential go to waste by just floating along, and also if I didn't figure things out soon I'd end up a toothless hooker in South America. I was near tears. This man whom I respect and admire deeply, just told me I would go no where in life. This was also after he had told me that I would probably sell out because I had no goals and would become a great success because I can use my great charm to get my way, but I'd never be happy because I never would have done anything worth while. After this insanely depressing conversation I called home looking for solace, only to have my mother (the one person who has always supported me 100% no matter what) tell me she basically felt the exact same way. After that I told my roommate about both conversations and she agreed. I was horrified. This whole time everyone I knew and respected had seen me skating along and never said a word. They all apparently wished better for me, but never told me. Never pointed out my short comings. It wasn't until I called up another friend I had recently met that everything really clicked. He basically told me that they were crazy and that I could do whatever I wanted and I'd be great. For whatever reason this was what I needed to hear. It hit me that yes these people knew the "old" me... but there was (and could continue to be) a "new" me. A me that actually gave a damn about her future, and her goals, and taking every opportunity to learn and to never sell out and end up a toothless hooker in South America. That was all I needed to start realizing that yes, they were right. I was aimless, careless. I would smile and get my way and boy was I good at it (and I should be! I'd perfected it over the past 16 years in school). But I had a chance to actually be an active participant not only in school, but in my own life. Everything started falling into place. I found that the concept of race and racism is really interesting to me (it sounds weird saying racism is a passion of mine... but I guess that's kind of what it is). I have had the smallest amount of drama in my whole entire life. I found amazing people who I'll be friends for life with. I discovered I want to teach, because to change the system you must understand it, and to understand it you must be a part of it. Basically this AHA moment has changed everything. I think the best part of it all was at the end of last semester when I handed in my final to my professor (the same one who sparked this whole AHA moment). He told me that he knew I'd had a really hard time this semester. He knew no one had ever pushed me and that's why he did, because he cares. He told me that I reminded him of the emperor's new clothes story, and that he needed to tell me to put some clothes on before I went out and embarrassed myself. I thanked him and told him he had no idea how much I needed it, he smiled and said he did because he'd been there too. He then shook my hand and told me that my new clothes looked wonderful and that he expects a gloating email in the next 5 years telling him how wrong he was about me and how much I'd accomplished in that time. He better believe he'll get one.

Now based on that one little tiny blip of a story, I'm going to research till I can't see, listen to interviews till I can't hear, transcribe and take notes till my hands cramp and think and brainstorm till my head hurts over the next 5 weeks and turn out something pretty amazing in the end.